Who’d have thought.

Who’d have thought this time final yr that as a substitute of e-scooters and tall-and-skinnies, we’d be speaking about international pandemics and nationwide protests.

Don’t get us flawed: The submissions for our 32nd annual “You Are So Nashville If …” contest nonetheless included mentions of scooters and gentrification. However final yr’s widespread submission matters appear nearly quaint compared to the horrors of 2020. The Tennessee state Home speaker sending deeply inappropriate texts? A scandal involving cherry bushes and the NFL Draft? How lovable!

Amid this yr’s 1,344 reader submissions, COVID-19 was talked about 128 occasions. (The phrase “virus” was misspelled 14 occasions as “virous,” for what it’s value.) There have been 45 references to the twister that wreaked havoc upon Nashville in early March, together with 29 mentions of Child Rock and 9 references to broadly loathed Decrease Broadway honky-tonk proprietor Steve Smith. Thirty-nine submissions referred to the latest Black Lives Matter protests, whereas the phrase “mayor” appeared 36 occasions, and references to the town’s permitted property tax improve got here up in 24 cases.

Extra evergreen Nashville points appeared as nicely, in fact. 13 folks referenced pedal taverns, and 12 introduced up Dolly Parton. There was speak of murals and guitars and sizzling hen, with throwback references to Previous Nashville relics like “Techs” — a robotic cowboy that used to creep the shit out of patrons at 100 Oaks Mall — and disgraced former Mayor Invoice Boner. A handful of Opryland mentions even crept in there, as did some earnest submissions about what an aw-shucks-swell and neighborly city Nashville may be.

However by and enormous, this yr’s YASNI submissions had been completely different from these of years previous, as a result of 2020 has been fairly completely different from years previous. Even with the continuing pandemic and civil unrest we see all through the nation and right here in our metropolis, nonetheless, YASNI has as soon as once more proven us that Nashville is aware of easy methods to have amusing at itself. So be a part of us in having a chuckle, and see what made the reduce for this yr’s “You Are So Nashville If …” challenge. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF


Illustration: XPayne

First Place

Your thought of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Child Rock’s Large Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. — Megan Minarich 

Concerning the Winner: 

Megan Minarich says she loves writing You Are So Nashville If entries. She seems to be ahead to submitting yearly. 

“However it was laborious to write down them this yr,” she says. “Actually laborious.” 

the timeline: The March Three twister hit, the primary case of COVID-19 was confirmed in Davidson County, the town went on lockdown, and the world went darkish. “Then, amongst all of these items,” says Minarich, “we’ve got rampant, unchecked state violence towards Black folks. It was laborious to take a seat down and attempt to channel this very validated disappointment and rage into one thing that’s constructively essential.” 

However she did, and her successful entry stood out from a pool of equally themed jabs directed at Child Rock’s Large Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse (sure, that’s it’s actual, full identify). The Decrease Broadway meat market and illness emporium was among the many native institutions cited final month for failure to adjust to public well being emergency orders designed to sluggish the unfold of COVID-19. One picture that made its means round social media not lengthy earlier than the quotation was issued confirmed the membership crowded with seemingly science-phobic maskless patrons — with a masked bartender in the midst of the group, working her shift.

“I believe that speaks to how many individuals are being forgotten and should not being thought-about,” says Minarich. “Perhaps that bartender wants that job and might’t lose that job. I don’t suppose we categorize bartenders as important employees, however shifting out to people who’re working in grocery shops, people who’re working in well being care — can’t all of us simply make selections that assist make their lives safer? I don’t know what’s so laborious about that.” 

Hats off to Minarich for hitting the nail on the pinnacle. —ERICA CICCARONE


Happy440Illustration: XPayne

Second place

You need to really purchase a vibrator now that 440 is clean. — Ashley H. 

MeatandoneIllustration: XPayne

Third Place

The pandemic lockdown decreased you to a meat-and-one. — Allison Lund


Honorable Mentions

PorchconcertIllustration: XPayne

Your neighbor is in discussions with Reside Nation to handle their porch live performance. — Anne Marie Danko 

You acquire Vanderbilt season tickets since you miss soccer however nonetheless wish to social distance. — Brian Bates

You’ve had extra mayors than sexual companions since 2018. — Daniel Ryan

You obtain a Accomplice flag masks as a present, however gained’t put on it as a result of the thought of carrying a masks offends you. — Andy Logan

MayorIllustration: XPayne

Your mayor seems to be like a nervous Muppet character. — Michael Robertson 

Your bagel store went full Pizzagate. — Charlie Harris

Your metropolis simply had its best civil rights protest in half a century, and all you bought had been these awful Boot Barn kicks.  — Cindi Brown

Your state-issued masks not solely helps you shield the well-being of others, however kills all of the weeds in your backyard. — Andy Gasparini

You hoped the East Nashville twister was highly effective sufficient to take out the East Nashville Fb web page. — Hilary Jones

You modified your 12-string guitar to a 6-string guitar for social distancing causes. — Gregory Delzer


And the Relaxation

A twister reduce your metropolis in half in the midst of the night time and also you thought, “Nicely, this yr can solely get higher …” — Andy Gasparini

Your property tax opinion is fashioned by the experiences of your favourite whole-hog BBQ restaurant. — Jade Swafford

You gained’t let the federal government take away your proper to listen to covers of “Don’t Cease Believing” and “Candy Dwelling Alabama.” — Nate Griffin

You voted for Cooper for mayor BECAUSE of his eyebrows. — Erik Thorson

You want they’d put a little bit step stool behind the rostrum for Mayor Cooper.  — Allison Lund

You’re an ICU nurse caring for COVID-19 sufferers by day, and partying at Tin Roof by night time. — Brian Siskind

You suppose ham is available in two flavors, metropolis and nation. — Tom Battle

You make pedestrians wash their palms earlier than they drop cash into your guitar case. — Hilary Jones

You noticed a mangled highway barrier and thought it was one other loopy metropolis sculpture. — Rhonda Prepare dinner

You’re positive glad you’re not mayor anymore. — Trent Hanner

As a substitute of playgrounds, you’re taking your children to the dinosaur statue farm in Bellevue. — Alex Daugherty

You stood outdoors Metro Council for 12 hours to demand funding for the @NashSevereWx Twitter account. — Wes Boling

You’re grateful for everybody over at @NashvilleSevereWX, as a result of a twitter account that saves precise lives is a vibrant spot for us all. — Andy Gasparini

You’re each saddened and impressed by the best way Child Rock is ready to out-douchebag himself yearly. — Andy Gasparini

You’d been avoiding Steve Smith’s Large Honky Tonk Illness Vectors means earlier than COVID. — Lauren MacLeod

You suppose utilizing Tootsie’s loos has made you resistant to COVID-19. — Jenna Loofbourrow

You’ll solely go close to Broadway throughout quarantine. — Jesse Newkirk

“Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy, shake the boogie mentioned up leap the boogie,” is strictly the sound you made whereas getting a COVID-19 check after spending an evening at Child Rock’s bar throughout a pandemic. — Drew Maynard

Coronavirus wasn’t the worst virus you contracted at Child Rock’s Honky Tonk. — Ashley H. 

You’ve each misplaced and located a thong on Broadway. — Mike Hammontree

Through the pandemic, you alter the Music Metropolis Sizzling Tub water twice per week as a substitute of as soon as. — Allison Lund

You reminisce a few time when scooters had been the largest risk to downtown. — Alex Daugherty

You suppose Steve Smith is a dick. — Jamie Yost

You might be stunned it took COVID-19 to lastly land Child Rock’s bar a well being division quotation. — Allison Lund

You’ll be able to establish the hierarchy inside a bachelorette celebration on first sight. — Sarah Fye

You notice the neighborhood is de facto going to hell when Tomi Lahren strikes in. — Allison Lund

Tomi Lahren moved right here lol wtf. — Chase Stejskal

Give up complaining Tomi, you simply received right here. — Nate Griffin

Even after a yr, you’re nonetheless questioning the place the MCC roadrunner was. — Hilary Jones

You’ve seen extra Nathan Bedford Forrest protests than bachelorette events in 2020. — Gary Potak

You’ve got been fortunately chanting “Construct the wall!” … between I-65 and the Nathan Bedford Forrest statue.  — Cindi Brown

You suppose pink is an effective shade for EVERY racist’s faux horse. — Tripp Sullivan

Jade Fuller, Nya Collins, Zee Thomas, Kennedy Inexperienced, Emma Rose Smith and Mikayla Smith are the one folks you might have ever been glad to see commuting from Franklin to Nashville. — Daniel Ryan

You might be one of many metropolis’s handiest social justice organizers, and also you’re solely 14 (or 15 or 16) years previous. — Cindi Brown

The larger your protest signal, the nearer you’re to God. — Daniel Smith

You ask for the set listing at a march or demonstration. — Elisa Hertzan

You suppose “No justice, no peace, no racist police” ought to be the CMA Music of the Yr. — Cindi Brown

You acquire a Tennessee handgun carry allow with a Groupon. — Rhonda Prepare dinner

You keep in mind the times when Franklin had only one unsolved homicide. — Brent Andrews

Your canine has extra Instagram followers than your music account. — Jamie Yost

what your favourite band’s front room seems to be like. — John Rodrigue

You lastly received a houseplant to dwell since you weren’t gone on tour. — Jamie Yost

You’ve began a GoFundMe so Jason Isbell can take a while off. — Jesse Newkirk

Your quarantine schedule was organized round Amanda Shires’ I So Lounging every day stream. — Andy Gasparini

You heard the CDC suggest males shave off their facial hair to battle the coronavirus, and also you simply hoped to God that Bob Mueller didn’t take their recommendation. — Zack Bennett

You’re fairly positive we should always most likely nonetheless be in section one. — Andy Gasparini

Coronavirus unemployment is the one time you’ve ever gotten paid for work as a artistic. — Alissa Lindemann

You’ll commerce a replica of your new EP for a roll of bathroom paper. — Hilary Jones

Your whiskey and hand sanitizer are each from Corsair. — Gary Potak

You blame Nashville visitors while you’re late to a Zoom assembly. — Kat Alexander

Your canine can go to a restaurant however not a canine park. — Ken Lass

Your vacant Airbnb grew to become your doomsday prep facility. — Abby George

You want to think about your at-home quarantine as the one personal jail your authorities gained’t throw cash at. — Charlie Harris

You want they’d carry Snowbird again to present coronavirus updates. — Allison Lund

Throughout stay-at-home orders all you need is a goddamn Bushwacker. — Jade Swafford

Your masks says “important enterprise” however your hair says “quarantine.” — Alex Daugherty

Assist! — Hilary Jones

I’m trapped! — Hilary Jones

What day is it? — Nate Griffin

You determined NOT to call your new nation duo “The Conflict of Northern Aggression.” — Dan McNamara

Steve Glover tried to eradicate your job in his funds plan. — Daniel Ryan

You imagine the one form of artwork diploma is a God-fearing artwork diploma. — Allison Lund

You’re questioning no matter occurred to the White Bridge Street Joyful Man. — Jesse Newkirk

You thought “BDE” stood for Large Dolly Vitality. — Jamie Yost

You watch Goodnight With Dolly and also you don’t even have children. — Hilary Jones

You act like I constructed Fort Nashborough once I let you know I’ve been right here for 12 years. — Jesse Newkirk

You’re unhappy you need to miss out in your birthday canine bowl on the Villager this yr. — Katherine Klockenkemper

You notice “it metropolis” was simply an previous signal on Dickerson Street with a “T” burned out. — Lucas Leverett

You continue to have nightmares about TECHS the robotic cowboy. — Michelle Muldoon

You’re fairly positive Miranda Lambert’s chickens dwell in a nicer place than your $1,400-a-month rental. — Mina Willis

You’re keen on carrying a masks to Kroger as a result of nobody sees you singing alongside to Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Goals, Get Into My Automobile.” — Matt North

Your tall/skinny home breaks social distancing guidelines. — Rie Schaffer

You’ve been following alongside to 2020 by studying the E book of Revelation. — Daniel Spartan Smith

You favor your shorts to be jorts. — Steven Younes

Thank god Frugal MacDoogal is taken into account “important.” — Hilary Jones

Taylor Swift completely misinterpret your scooter ban. — Allison Lund

You puzzled why Carlos Ghosn went to Lebanon as a substitute of going straight to Franklin. — Mary Wade

You suppose that if Woman A wished to hearken again to a less complicated, bygone period of Nashville, they need to have modified their identify to Woman AnteBoner. — Charlie Harris

You’re superb with Woman A and The Chicks however suppose Keith City is simply making an attempt too laborious. — Brian Bates

You twerked on the pews of the Ryman on the Lizzo present. — Daniel Ryan

You’re feeling like Dr. Jahangir is Dr. Fauci however in Candy Tea type. — Clifton Kaiser

You form of have a crush on Dr. Jahangir. — Jackie Hughes

You’ve needed to play Tetris together with your automotive within the Brown’s Automotive car parking zone. — Jon Little

You ordered a bit of BNA carpet for a doormat. — Lauren Jacoby

You’ll begin an rebellion if the holy BNA carpet is ripped out in the course of the airport growth. — Johnny Smith

Your daughter used to stroll as much as Little Richard’s desk at Piccadilly Cafeteria and spark up a dialog with him when she may barely speak. — Dickie Soloperto

Your each resolution triggers the Normal Meeting to go a regulation towards it. — Scott Sprouse

You see youngsters recording movies in every single place they go, however it’ll value your police division $36 million to do the identical. — Stephen Yeargin

Your Metropolitan Nashville Airport Authority commissioner can’t maintain tabs on his personal rattling airplane. — Stephen Yeargin

You name your seller inquiring if he has senior hours. — Tom Nonetheless

Your metropolis is worse with cash than you’re. — Trent Hanner

You’re utilizing your Nashville SC scarf as a makeshift face masks. — Hilary Jones

You’ve been to Nissan Stadium for extra soccer video games than Titans video games. — Hilary Jones

You watched Titans followers excellent social distancing inside Nissan Stadium for years. — Daniel Ryan

You notice every little thing went to hell after the Preds rolled out that pedal tavern on ice.  — Alex Daugherty

You ran a chess pie down the highway to that good Pekka Reeny when he moved in up the best way. — Belinda Rollins

Taylor Lewan’s new again tattoo has extra ink than The Tennessean’s information part.  — Daniel Ryan

You traded your Mission 615 T-shirts for NASCAR T-shirts. — Ashley H.

Your identify is Jason Marsden and also you simply can’t stand John Wealthy and thought this is able to be the proper platform to announce that. — Jason Marsden

You might be nonetheless ready for Demetria Kalodimos to return again and kick some ass. — Jeff Shearer

You’re unhappy to see the Schermerhorn grow to be the subsequent nation star’s bar. — Kat Alexander

Your state Senate confused commemorating girls’s suffrage with inflicting girls’s struggling. — Megan Minarich

Your state legislature can’t resolve which is much less necessary: racism or poverty. — Rob Robinson

Nicely, rip that state funds proper out of my uterus! — Megan Minarich

You’ll be able to’t cease coughing from all of the smoke everybody’s blowing up one another’s buttholes round right here. — Sarah Fye

No, actually, there’s nothing just like the Belcourt popcorn.  — Trent Hanner

You desire to it — nay, adore it — if Tim McGraw challenged human tongue depressor Invoice Hagerty for U.S. Senate. — Cliff Meyer

You continue to take into consideration that crane operator, and hope he’s doing okay. — Andy Gasparini

The Doordash man is the lead singer of your favourite band. — Hilary Jones

You didn’t enter YASNI this yr as a result of The Tennessean informed you the world was ending July 18. — Brian Bates

You survived the July 18, 2020, nuclear assault on Nashville. — Stacy Harris

Your daughter’s driver’s ed trainer is former Mayor Invoice Boner. — Courtney Peterson

You’ll be able to’t shake dreaming about cigarettes which might be 9 miles lengthy. — Jeff Shearer

You dealt with the tornadoes, the pandemic shutdowns, however misplaced it when John Prine died. — Chris Adams

Although you by no means actually met him, you are feeling such as you misplaced a very good pal when John Prine died. — Ron Arnett

You miss David Olney. — Crazie Ed

You’re in a protest or a twister and John Partipilo exhibits up. — Crazie Ed

You eat a plate of XXX Sizzling Rooster earlier than the protest so the tear gasoline gained’t even faze you. — Aunt Tifa

It’s not Christmas till you see NewsChannel 5’s business. — Hilary Jones

You wish to pitch-correct the eight o’clock howl. — Alison Logan

You don’t want extra subtle contact tracing to know all West Nashville COVID circumstances are related to the Sperry’s salad bar. — Charlie Harris

You lived by means of an EF-Three twister, a pandemic, homicide hornets, and in some way probably the most shocking factor to occur in 2020 is 440 being accomplished forward of time. — Katy Fry

Your cellphone STILL autocorrects “Canada” to “Casada.” — Hilary Jones

You miss Space Bear. — Trent Hanner

The beeping of a backhoe in reverse is your morning wake-up alarm. — Rhonda Prepare dinner

Your Gilligan’s Island arctic cruise practically drowns the state Democratic celebration. — Tripp Sullivan

You Googled “How you can Zoombomb the YASNI submission assembly.” — Hilary Jones

You … welp … umm … simply … I received nuthin’. — Michael Williams


Weirdies 

YOUR MOTHER MADE YOUR PROM DRESS OUT OF POTATO CHIP BAGS.

Your physician has a plaque on his wall that claims “we cured Travis Tritt’s pink eye.”

You had been pissed that final yr’s Weirdies had been printed anonymously; ’cuz one among your entries made it on that listing and now you may’t show it was yours!

You refuse to purchase peaches from these “Georgia Peach Stands” as a result of YOU ALWAYS BUY LOCAL !!

you wait till Saturday morning at 10 am to have an enormous private argument together with your teenager within the checkout line at Kroger

you cant discover your butt with each palms!


Previous Winners:

1989: You suppose our Parthenon is best as a result of the opposite one fell aside. — Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged on the similar time. — Maralee Self

1991: You say to the particular person behind the counter on the Sizzling Cease, “We actually kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Candy Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. live performance at Starwood and go out earlier than Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is known as “the studio viewers.” — Sharon Kasserman

1994: You suppose that the H.O.V. lane is for folks with AIDS. — Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You by no means meant to remain right here this lengthy. — Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower mattress for Janet March. — Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the one one who doesn’t know you’re homosexual. — Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mother. — Rick Hagey

2000: You wish to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the 9 Commandments. — Ken Lass

2002: Cities you’ve by no means heard of are going to be hit by a twister at 6:51, 6:53 and seven:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a pleasant Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered throughout Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish

2004: You want a conflict to promote information. — Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor provides TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s as a substitute of well being care protection. — Ken Lass

2006: You had been a homosexual cowboy earlier than being a homosexual cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams

2007: You noticed Kenny Chesney in a Kroger studying Out & About. — Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest will get a five-star score on YouTube. — Roy Moore

2009: Your native GOP makes the KKK seem like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your metropolis flooded and all you bought was a awful T-shirt. — David Anthony

2011: Homosexual homosexual homosexual, homosexual homosexual; homosexual homosexual homosexual homosexual homosexual. — Dana Delworth

2012: You suppose Bart Durham ought to direct The Actual Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews

2013: You suppose the TV present ought to have been referred to as Mount Juliette. — Invoice Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, however to not Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will likely be torn right down to construct a high-rise condo constructing. — Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re homosexual. — Russell Ries Jr.

2017: In June, you had been citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a aim may be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle brought about a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was performed with a ball. — Brian Bates

2018: Nashville is canceled. Additionally, the TV present was not renewed. — Charlie Harris

2019: Your thought of “mild rail” means doing just a bit little bit of coke.  — Katie Wesolek

Cover72320Illustration: XPayne (xpayne.com)



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